"...and my relationship with my cat is verbally abusive and co-dependant."

So as usually when I can’t sleep, I’m thinking.

And I’m thinking a lot about my life.

So, of course, the past changed where my life would go. I mean, okay, at two I didn’t really have an idea of where my life was going, but by nine I guess had some idea. Or someone did.

Anyway, still, the amount of time I’d spent under men, and the number of men I’d been under… Or on top of… Or had some sort of sexual contact with, by 12, was probably more than most women are in their entire lives, you know, unless they happen to work in a sex trade or happen to be a mega-slut.

This has left me more than mentally and physically scarred.

I mean okay, physically, I’m not too bad visibly, most my scars are self-inflicted, but mentally I might as well be a duck for all the mental capabilities I have sometimes.

I kind of wonder who I might be today otherwise, but I don’t want to think on it too long.

So much has happened in my life that has made my trust for humanity completely die.

From my father giving up on stopping my mother putting me put in the situations she did, to what happened in those situations, I don’t even know how to work in real relationships, because I’m so used to relationships being manipulation, rape, money and just plain sick.

I can’t help that most our ideas of relationships with humans are built around child-prostitution and being mentally-fucked by my mother into clinging blindly to her and getting fucked for it, literally.

My healthiest relationship is with my rats, I mean, my relationship my dog is that we comfort each other with rough playfighting that’s almost her biting me and almost me hitting her except we both enjoy it, and my relationship with my cat is verbally abusive and co-dependant.

You know, that last sentence makes me think I’ve been awake too long, but I’m going to carry on anyway.

I find it so hard to have relationships that aren’t abusive that I just get those relationships instead because they last and we’re told that the longer a relationship lasts the better it is now.

 I spent most my early years being emotionally, physically and mentally shared by three main sexual relationships, and a lot more lesser ones, then people complain when I don’t understand normal relationships, monogamy and sex.

If I’m happy, and other people can be happy in that situation, and no one is spontaneously exploding, is it really a bad thing that my childhood completely and utterly fucked over my ideas of relationships? 

Things just get better.

So, I got a full formal apology from the operational manager of the company I work for, and she is finding me a new placement in that company, which should happen in the next month at most. Yay! I can't wait to start working again, I've missed it a lot.

And ugh, my new therapist is just the best therapist I've seen so far. I explained about all of us to her, and she was so great about it. I explained to her that Elsa kept wanting to come out and play when she was around my therapist's toys, and my therapist asked me to tell her when Elsa would like to come out and play, and she would be allowed.
Aah. I'm so happy with this.
Hurry up Monday please!

And as well as that, we finally persuaded Mai that, if she is going to be wearing her clothing to see our therapist, she should buy herself some clothing. So, she's got a few new pieces to wear now.

And I'll be going to camden for a birthday party later this month, which will be great!

On the downside, Dolly is in a massive down spiral of delusion and psychosis.
It's a pretty awful feeling, and I really, really hate it.
I ache all over and sleeping is very difficult and I have new and more horrible memories than before.

I just hope things get better soon for that.

And now I don't have a job, but I do have a lawyer and a therapist.

So, yay! I got fired because my ex-boss wanted me to get fired. But I'm getting a lawyer for unlawful dismissal. So we'll see how that goes.
And I got a new therapist. She seems really nice, and the younger ones seem to like the feeling of her, so we'll see how that goes too.
Not a lot more I can say really. Just yay, ,my life is awful and fucked up right now!

Oh, the hilarity.

So, its raining too hard to take my dog out, and I'm browsing the internet for DID/MPD humour, so, like every other site around that, here's some of mine. 

"Oh yes, I had the same trouble with some of my multiple personality patients; one would always claim that the other one sent the check." - Frasier Crane

Bingo cards for (1) people who have aren't and have never been multiple, and (2) people who have 'integrated'. Either actually have and are being cunts about it, or just want to say they have so they don't have to bother faking actual DID. 

(1)

(2)

Drinking game for any program about dissociatives, based on The United States Of Tara http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/drinkgame.html

http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/mymom-parody.pdf A hilarious parody of this book. http://www.sidran.org/pdf/mymomisdifferent.pdf 

A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention:

• Insist that one of your other personalities already paid last month's therapy bill.
• Lie down under the couch.
• Express concern that you are not narcissistic enough.
• Bark.
• Shout "Eureka!" after your therapist makes an interpretation.
• Play dead.
• As your therapist hands you the therapy bill, put on a pair of latex rubber gloves to accept it. 

If I find more, I'll add it, or do a new one. 

God Loves Little Girls, Video clips, and Dolly

So, I've started finally writing my autobiography from the bits of scrapped writing I've had around.
It'll take forever I expect, but I'll post updates, and pages. It'll be called God Loves Little Girls, and will be under Mai's name. I'm also expecting to do some video clips of our surrounding and things soon, and information about us.
I also finished the drawings I was doing, and as soon as my laptop gets back, I'll digitalize them and put them up.

And on the last note,
Dolly has been at her usual evilness again.
She tricked Nate into letting her out, then cut when she could.
Then when Sara defended against her, she cut up the inside of my thighs to scare her, and then stole Sara into her realm.
Confusing, and not pleasant.
We don't know what's going on, but both of them and Mai are still missing...

And honestly, I have no sympathy for you.

You know. If you had the strength to survive what you have, why would you then go ahead and forget all of that because 'life is hard'?
Well yes, I thought you'd have realized that.
You cannot say that my efforts are far easier than yours because I am stronger, as I'm sure I'm not.
At one point, you did all you could just to live, as did I, and now you cannot get through the day without your pills. Is that really what you dreamed the better life would be?
Honestly, I would rather have been stuck underneath a usually unwashed and mentally unstable man with parts of him inside my 5 year old self, than living through pills and cutting myself because I cannot do it enough to die.
Not that I'm telling you to die, nor do I want you to.
But when I can think enough to think of what I wanted at that age, during that time, to decide that I never wanted to do that, so why would I then do it to myself?
I live for the ideals that my younger self would want me to be, and I think that you should be too.
True, I did a few things I'd rather have not done, and still do, but I am not perfect, and I don't wish to be.
I'd rather be relate-able.
My point on this is that if at one point, you did everything, including accepting such inhumane things as letting yourself be suffocated, raped, beaten and ingesting illegal substances that you had no idea wouldn't kill you, just to avoid certain death at the hands of those same people, why then go on to kill yourself, because you have been convinced that you aren't strong enough by those same people?
That is why I have no sympathy for you when you tell me I am stronger than you because I am working, and controlling when I have my breakdowns.

Cults, systematic abuse and rape.

I'm watching a documentary that I personally associate with more than any other one I've watched.
It's called Cult Killer, and it's about a man called Rick Rodriguez, the heir to the cult 'The Children Of God.'
This cult practiced the law of 'love', and basically, what that meant was that the members of the cult could do whatever they wanted, if they could put it under the excuse of love, including rape, incest and paedophillia.

Now, why do I associate with this? I don't think I've actually mentioned much specific about what happened in my childhood too much. But it probably didn't involve a cult, that I remember. I do, however, remember that it was, at least partly, about sexual abuse, under the guise of love, and religion.
"I do this because I love you, I don't want you to go to hell. We must get the demon out of you."
 Lots of things happened. Things that shouldn't, under the guise of religion.
And that's why I associate with this documentary.
They weren't content with just controlling and breaking my mind into different pieces, no.
They weren't even content with molesting and forcing me to do things to and for them, systematically and in an indoctrinating way.
Just those parts of it, not even the actually rape really effected me as much as the after and before parts.
Those were the parts that involved reciting bible verses, or saying over and over how much of an evil, sinful whore I was, before I understood the words.

If this doesn't make much sense, I'm extremely sorry, but as you can imagine, this is insanely hard to write.

Before I was four, I think I believed that the only way to stop myself from being evil, demonic, from going to hell and receiving eternal torture, was to let them do whatever they wanted with me.
First off, the first person any of us remembers was moderately kind.
Just a delusional man who believed we were the reincarnation of someone in the bible, possessed by demons.
Yes, there was quite a lot of sexual abuse, but it wasn't malicious.
This was probably between the ages of... two and six.
Mostly, it was bible verses, indoctrination and molestation.
Yes, there was some rape and physical abuse from that person, but it wasn't meant to hurt me. It wasn't meant to be bad.
That sounds completely ridiculous. But I am a logical enough person to understand when someone is too insane, too delusional to understand their actions are wrong. And I truly believe this was the case for the first person. I honestly believe that when they said they love me, they thought they meant it.
Abuse in this part included things like having salt water or chemically enhanced 'holy water' poured over or forced into my crotch, being spread over a cross or a different shaped grave, naked, and being molested, or made to give or receive oral sex, having various things inserted into various orifices, having bugs put onto my skin, and was punished if I made any move to remove them, having needles put into my gums, crotch and chest, and being emotionally and psychologically abused into believing in different parts of myself, which would each be put under different tortures, including being set against one another.
 I don't know why they stopped. They might have died, or moved, or anything along those lines, or just not been interested in me any more.

The second was purely a paedophile, I believe. With religious excuses, of course. As far as I can figure, they knew the other person, or accidentally came across things happening to me, and wanted to be in on it.
I can't imagine they knew about it for any other reason. I can't imagine this was a publicly known thing in the church.
This person cared less about psychological tortures and separate parts, and more about rape, molestation and keeping things extremely hidden.
This was between the ages of about 3 and 9, I think.
This involved a lot of sexual abuse, probably most of it. This also, I don't believe the majority of it, was malicious. But I do think they knew it was wrong, because of the efforts to cover it up. I think they tried to be nice to us most of the time, because they imagined we enjoyed all of the attention.
Around the time for this person starting, when I had just turned 3 about two months ago, I think, Sara had tried to tell her mother, but the result of this was that she went into complete denial, and made us apologize for saying these things to the people involved, and  then she was seriously harmed by hitting her head repeatedly on a gravestone. (We went to hospital shortly after, unconscious)
A lot of the previous things were included in this time zone, plus things done by the third person that I'll mention in the next paragraph.

The third person came when I was... 4/5ish, until I was 9. I think this was the last usual person.
This person was very sadistic and malicious.
This involved things like purposely painful rape for very little reason. Things like asphyxiation for up to five minutes, being bitten very hard on my chest and crotch, having so much forced into my mouth that the corners of my lips tore, having needles stabbed into my skin, having insects that bit or stung held in a glass against my skin, having my nails torn off quite low, being mentally and emotionally tortured and broken, being treated affectionately, and then beaten and raped for doing the slightest things wrong, being made to play games, with the prize being rape, and the punishment for losing being a more painful rape,

There is some things that happened that are completely locked up in boxes, that I'll never remember. I don't want to. If those are the ones I'm allowed to know, what ones are hidden still?
There are some that others don't want to say, or haven't put forward. Some we just don't remember.

It wasn't anything to do with a cult, that I know of. But it was ritual abuse, by more than one person. And it was religiously minded for the majority of it. There was a lot of indoctrination.
They completely and utterly ruined my mind. And I don't completely hate them for it, I think that's the worst bit, for me.
If I met them today, I'd probably just walk away, because there's nothing left to say about it.
Sure, I'd want them locked up for other people's benefit. But I have no hate for them.