"...and my relationship with my cat is verbally abusive and co-dependant."

So as usually when I can’t sleep, I’m thinking.

And I’m thinking a lot about my life.

So, of course, the past changed where my life would go. I mean, okay, at two I didn’t really have an idea of where my life was going, but by nine I guess had some idea. Or someone did.

Anyway, still, the amount of time I’d spent under men, and the number of men I’d been under… Or on top of… Or had some sort of sexual contact with, by 12, was probably more than most women are in their entire lives, you know, unless they happen to work in a sex trade or happen to be a mega-slut.

This has left me more than mentally and physically scarred.

I mean okay, physically, I’m not too bad visibly, most my scars are self-inflicted, but mentally I might as well be a duck for all the mental capabilities I have sometimes.

I kind of wonder who I might be today otherwise, but I don’t want to think on it too long.

So much has happened in my life that has made my trust for humanity completely die.

From my father giving up on stopping my mother putting me put in the situations she did, to what happened in those situations, I don’t even know how to work in real relationships, because I’m so used to relationships being manipulation, rape, money and just plain sick.

I can’t help that most our ideas of relationships with humans are built around child-prostitution and being mentally-fucked by my mother into clinging blindly to her and getting fucked for it, literally.

My healthiest relationship is with my rats, I mean, my relationship my dog is that we comfort each other with rough playfighting that’s almost her biting me and almost me hitting her except we both enjoy it, and my relationship with my cat is verbally abusive and co-dependant.

You know, that last sentence makes me think I’ve been awake too long, but I’m going to carry on anyway.

I find it so hard to have relationships that aren’t abusive that I just get those relationships instead because they last and we’re told that the longer a relationship lasts the better it is now.

 I spent most my early years being emotionally, physically and mentally shared by three main sexual relationships, and a lot more lesser ones, then people complain when I don’t understand normal relationships, monogamy and sex.

If I’m happy, and other people can be happy in that situation, and no one is spontaneously exploding, is it really a bad thing that my childhood completely and utterly fucked over my ideas of relationships?