Intense pain and my therapist hates me.

So, this week has been... Interesting.
Starting from when Nate went to see her on monday, our therapist says that she doesn't want us to work, because she believes (After seeing us 5 times, and being completely incompetent), that we are too unstable to work.
Despite doing all of the assessments and things to prove that we're not, they say we are apparently 'dangerous', and for absolutely no reason, as our therapist said herself.
So, we may not be able to work if they get through with screwing up our life for no reason.

Then, wednesday, more assessments, and again, they said that there's no reason for them to think I'm at risk to myself or anyone else.... And yet they demanded to see me earlier today.


Thursday, Dolly was going to visit a horse for share, got lost, eventually found her way there, and ended up seeing a very stubborn horse that was larger than we'd been told it was, that was none too happy to see us. So, she got on it a bit later, and it was very fast even walking. she thought that, okay, it's a speedy horse. What's the worst thing that could happen? And the owner of it wanted to show her how good he was on the road, so we went out with Dolly on him and her walking alongside. All was fine, we were just chatting about him, and about horses in general, and then she decided to show Dolly how he trotted... That was the mistake.
It was all fine for a small trot, and then when it was supposed to stop, instead, the horse decided that, no, it wanted to canter off back to the stable. Her, not being all that experienced on a spooked horse, was clinging madly onto this insane ex-racing horse as it went about half a mile down country lanes, with cars passing and stopping around. And then she freaked out, start to fall, and let Nate take over. He fell off very painfully into gravel and puddle.

And now today, we went back to our therapist, and got confirmation that she has no reason for thinking we're dangerous, or unstable, but they are going to wreck my life anyway. And I am in so, so much pain. With any luck, I'll die soon.

I am super annoyed at this therapy thing, because they're blackmailing me into keeping going there, and the more tell them that them doing that is distressing me, the more they invade my life. Can they not see that they are what's making my life hell?

Kitty 

Dissociative Identity Disorder by Cyc (Rantings Of A Gothic Atheist)

From The Rantings Of A Gothic Atheist post on Disassociative Identity Disorder, full post is on there, this is just snippets of it. Please go to the link to view the full article. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or if you go by its common name, multiple personality disorder, is an interesting subject to say the least. It is also a subject with which there is much contention. There are even some that claim it does not even exist. 

The reason for the splitting comes down to survival in most cases. While not always the case, DID generally forms in cases of severe childhood abuse. The torment the individual goes through becomes more than they can bear so the mind attempts to wipe it out, pressing it down and creating a new 'person' to deal with the new situation. This way the alters (the other personalities) can take the abuse in pieces so that they are not overwhelmed by so much trauma. When the splitting occurs, parts of the whole are often separated, leaving the alters to perform different roles.  

Most of the time, a person with DID is so good at acting 'normal' that nothing seems wrong with them at all. This is all part of the survival, acting normal, in abusive situations is the best way to avoid furthering the situation. Acting abnormal in any way only singles out the person for further abuse. So the person hides it, often from themselves (as the memories are divided just as the personalities are). 

Once it is accepted, communication between the alters may commence. In some cases the barriers of the mind are thin enough that they may communicate with one another freely. Other times, they are trapped separately and only a few can talk to one another with each having their own place. Some may remain in hiding from the others, still too terrified or feeling too alone to be able to contact the others. In some instances a reunification may occur, but only if all personalities are willing.  

 It has always been exceedingly rare and while its prevalence has never been accurately noted, it is believed to form in around .05% of the population.  

An unusual occurrence can occur where an alter of the alternate gender, for whatever reason, forms. Some alters may not even be quite human if the need arises. If the condition calls for a more animalistic being to survive the situation, cope with the emotions, or because something occurs that cannot be understood, these may also form. 

While I disagree on a few minor points (Like the occurrence of alternate gender alters forming being unusual), in general, I find the article very accurate and an easy way to either begin learning about DID, or to continue learning about it in more detail, as the article does go into detail in some places, while explaining it all very well, as Cyc often does.

Nora

So, I've found out why I've had intensely painful headaches the past month and a half. Apparently, I accidentally created Nora.
Now, I don't know a lot about her, but I do know that she's extremely forgetful, and still thinks it's around 1900... Anyway, Mai found a picture that looks like her.

Nora

She's 32, easily upset-able, and doesn't realise when she's shouting right in my ear when she's 'thinking'.

Hmm. With any luck, she'll calm down sooner or later. And it's a great thing that we're not trying to integrate, or this would make things so much harder. 

Kitty 

Dolly Stole Me

So, Dolly had stolen our body for the past... Almost a week. Not only do my wrists look like they've been attacked by some sort of mutant-fanged-animal, but my room was a massive mess, and apparently I need to talk to a social services person about my childhood. Not doing that. Mai can do it. I need to shower. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm going to go shower, and look like I've been dressed and made up all day, despite that so far, I'm in pjyamas, dressing gown and one of Nate's shirt. Lily likes to wear them to bed.
And she got this song stuck in my head...

Kitty 

I'm an adult!

So... I just got a job. (Yay!) and I was driving back with my mother after getting my hair cut, and then this conversation  happened.

Me: Hey, mum, I got a job!
Mum: Yes, you did.
Me: Guess what that makes me?!
Mum: What?
Me: An adult!

She must be so proud of me. Then she asked me to put the christmas decorations down.
"But muuuuum! I'm an aduuuult... I can't do that."

(Pictures from Hyperbole And A Half, possibly the best thing ever.  Go there now! Now! Now!)

I'm a selective adult.

Kitty

How I Got A Job By Wearing A Fireman's Hat And Eating Pretend Food.

So. Guess what? I think I have a job. And guess how I got it?
I played with toy horsies, and build blocks, and wore a fireman's hat while eating pretend food.
It was possibly the best interview ever.
And no, it's not at an asylum. It's at a nursery.
I will not die alone in my parent's basement with 42 cats!

Anyway. I had an interview with the manager, and she started by quickly reading my resume, and then she asked me questions for about... Ooh.. Half an hour? And I was super nervous. I never ask for a drink at interviews, and I always wish I did. My mouth was so dry, I'm surprised I didn't croak half the time. After that, the manager showed me around, and Mai, Alanna and I all did inner 'awww's over all the little children, and then I was settled into the playgroup area with two of the staff there.
At first, I was super awkward, and then a little girl gave me a toy cow and told me to build a house for it, and it went from there. I was given toy horses and storybooks and then she decided that since we were building houses for the animals, we should both have builder's hats. Apparently there was only one builder's hat, and I had a fireman's hat. And then she told me to go look for a doctor's hat. So I did, and while I was doing that, I was pulled into a little pretend house and sat down next to a cable-less keyboard, and told to wait for dinner. Soon after, I was presented with some fake food. Apparently I was eating it too realistically (Holding up to my mouth and going "nomnomnom"), because I was told by a little girl that "It's not real food, you're supposed to pretend to eat it!" And then the manager had apparently talked to one of the staff in the room, and asked me to go to her office and (While I was putting my shoes and coat back on), told me that she wanted to hire me. Yay! I felt so employable that she told me right there. So after waiting half an hour for someone to give me a lift home and making a lot of excited phone calls and texts and skype messages, I got home and called the education provider I'm using to get my childcare qualification to get them in contact with the nursery.
With any luck, on monday, I'll have a job to start soon!

Kitty

Lily Does A Disturbing Picture (Lily's Picture #3)

I warn you guys. This is not a nice picture. Lalala. Go look at unicorns. 

Fine. Don't. Click here. 

Are you happy now? 

Well, don't blame me, because I told you to go look at unicorns. 

Anyway. Description of the picture might be available later. I'll update when I don't need to go to bed. 

Lily's Picture #2

Lily's drawing of her and Celestia (Lessy) 

I'm Not An Adult Yet. I Still Like The Idea Of Cats On The Moon.

I want to say something for this post. I really do.
Mai added some links to the side with useful links. Yay for her.
I've sulked around in jeans and a hoodie like a sad person, and had pasta. Like a sad person.
And I have a job interview tomorrow. Yay!
I need to take my nail varnish off, because I get insane anxiety that EVERYTHING will get me not-hired.
And my psych monday. Oh my god. Am I looking forward to that? I don't think that the best thing about my week should be my psych appointment.

I'm super hyperactive lately. Mai thinks I'm odd because I wrote "Super power rangers GO!" on my hand. Well, Mai, you're in my head. So shut up. Ha.
This is getting more and more talking to myself. Today, I had a complete... I have no idea. I just remember that I was- Oh. Today I had a complete conversation by my self while I was waiting for Cyc to get back on the phone. It was about cats and the moon and evil cats. And it involved singing to my cat.
Did I say I had a job interview? Fuck, I'm not an adult yet.

Kitty

Cherrie

Update: Looking back at this.. I think Cherrie wrote it too.. 

Contact

So, I'm steadily getting things looking decent, with the help of the ever patient Celestia, who will hopefully continue to help me, as I have an extreme lack of knowledge on the internet. We've added a few links to the side, and will continue to as I think of more, or as more are made.

There's a link to Lily's Neopets page, which I created for her as a way of distracting her, as it distracted other younger ones in the past.

There's a twitter bit, that you can use to find us on there.

And there's a link to a very useful site for those that have suffered abuse called Fort Refuge. I really insist you try it if you are or have suffered, as well as my user names on the forum on there.

You can also email us (Lucysvoid@hotmail.co.uk), or use the comments section on this blog. 

We will get a few more things as time goes on, but for now, that's it. 

Mai 

Lily's Picture

Lily drew this for one of my boyfriend's alters, I think its rather cute.