I'm watching a documentary that I personally associate with more than any other one I've watched.
It's called Cult Killer, and it's about a man called Rick Rodriguez, the heir to the cult 'The Children Of God.'
This cult practiced the law of 'love', and basically, what that meant was that the members of the cult could do whatever they wanted, if they could put it under the excuse of love, including rape, incest and paedophillia.
Now, why do I associate with this? I don't think I've actually mentioned much specific about what happened in my childhood too much. But it probably didn't involve a cult, that I remember. I do, however, remember that it was, at least partly, about sexual abuse, under the guise of love, and religion.
"I do this because I love you, I don't want you to go to hell. We must get the demon out of you."
Lots of things happened. Things that shouldn't, under the guise of religion.
And that's why I associate with this documentary.
They weren't content with just controlling and breaking my mind into different pieces, no.
They weren't even content with molesting and forcing me to do things to and for them, systematically and in an indoctrinating way.
Just those parts of it, not even the actually rape really effected me as much as the after and before parts.
Those were the parts that involved reciting bible verses, or saying over and over how much of an evil, sinful whore I was, before I understood the words.
If this doesn't make much sense, I'm extremely sorry, but as you can imagine, this is insanely hard to write.
Before I was four, I think I believed that the only way to stop myself from being evil, demonic, from going to hell and receiving eternal torture, was to let them do whatever they wanted with me.
First off, the first person any of us remembers was moderately kind.
Just a delusional man who believed we were the reincarnation of someone in the bible, possessed by demons.
Yes, there was quite a lot of sexual abuse, but it wasn't malicious.
This was probably between the ages of... two and six.
Mostly, it was bible verses, indoctrination and molestation.
Yes, there was some rape and physical abuse from that person, but it wasn't meant to hurt me. It wasn't meant to be bad.
That sounds completely ridiculous. But I am a logical enough person to understand when someone is too insane, too delusional to understand their actions are wrong. And I truly believe this was the case for the first person. I honestly believe that when they said they love me, they thought they meant it.
Abuse in this part included things like having salt water or chemically enhanced 'holy water' poured over or forced into my crotch, being spread over a cross or a different shaped grave, naked, and being molested, or made to give or receive oral sex, having various things inserted into various orifices, having bugs put onto my skin, and was punished if I made any move to remove them, having needles put into my gums, crotch and chest, and being emotionally and psychologically abused into believing in different parts of myself, which would each be put under different tortures, including being set against one another.
I don't know why they stopped. They might have died, or moved, or anything along those lines, or just not been interested in me any more.
The second was purely a paedophile, I believe. With religious excuses, of course. As far as I can figure, they knew the other person, or accidentally came across things happening to me, and wanted to be in on it.
I can't imagine they knew about it for any other reason. I can't imagine this was a publicly known thing in the church.
This person cared less about psychological tortures and separate parts, and more about rape, molestation and keeping things extremely hidden.
This was between the ages of about 3 and 9, I think.
This involved a lot of sexual abuse, probably most of it. This also, I don't believe the majority of it, was malicious. But I do think they knew it was wrong, because of the efforts to cover it up. I think they tried to be nice to us most of the time, because they imagined we enjoyed all of the attention.
Around the time for this person starting, when I had just turned 3 about two months ago, I think, Sara had tried to tell her mother, but the result of this was that she went into complete denial, and made us apologize for saying these things to the people involved, and then she was seriously harmed by hitting her head repeatedly on a gravestone. (We went to hospital shortly after, unconscious)
A lot of the previous things were included in this time zone, plus things done by the third person that I'll mention in the next paragraph.
The third person came when I was... 4/5ish, until I was 9. I think this was the last usual person.
This person was very sadistic and malicious.
This involved things like purposely painful rape for very little reason. Things like asphyxiation for up to five minutes, being bitten very hard on my chest and crotch, having so much forced into my mouth that the corners of my lips tore, having needles stabbed into my skin, having insects that bit or stung held in a glass against my skin, having my nails torn off quite low, being mentally and emotionally tortured and broken, being treated affectionately, and then beaten and raped for doing the slightest things wrong, being made to play games, with the prize being rape, and the punishment for losing being a more painful rape,
There is some things that happened that are completely locked up in boxes, that I'll never remember. I don't want to. If those are the ones I'm allowed to know, what ones are hidden still?
There are some that others don't want to say, or haven't put forward. Some we just don't remember.
It wasn't anything to do with a cult, that I know of. But it was ritual abuse, by more than one person. And it was religiously minded for the majority of it. There was a lot of indoctrination.
They completely and utterly ruined my mind. And I don't completely hate them for it, I think that's the worst bit, for me.
If I met them today, I'd probably just walk away, because there's nothing left to say about it.
Sure, I'd want them locked up for other people's benefit. But I have no hate for them.
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