Oh, the hilarity.

So, its raining too hard to take my dog out, and I'm browsing the internet for DID/MPD humour, so, like every other site around that, here's some of mine. 

"Oh yes, I had the same trouble with some of my multiple personality patients; one would always claim that the other one sent the check." - Frasier Crane

Bingo cards for (1) people who have aren't and have never been multiple, and (2) people who have 'integrated'. Either actually have and are being cunts about it, or just want to say they have so they don't have to bother faking actual DID. 

(1)

(2)

Drinking game for any program about dissociatives, based on The United States Of Tara http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/drinkgame.html

http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/mymom-parody.pdf A hilarious parody of this book. http://www.sidran.org/pdf/mymomisdifferent.pdf 

A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention:

• Insist that one of your other personalities already paid last month's therapy bill.
• Lie down under the couch.
• Express concern that you are not narcissistic enough.
• Bark.
• Shout "Eureka!" after your therapist makes an interpretation.
• Play dead.
• As your therapist hands you the therapy bill, put on a pair of latex rubber gloves to accept it. 

If I find more, I'll add it, or do a new one. 

God Loves Little Girls, Video clips, and Dolly

So, I've started finally writing my autobiography from the bits of scrapped writing I've had around.
It'll take forever I expect, but I'll post updates, and pages. It'll be called God Loves Little Girls, and will be under Mai's name. I'm also expecting to do some video clips of our surrounding and things soon, and information about us.
I also finished the drawings I was doing, and as soon as my laptop gets back, I'll digitalize them and put them up.

And on the last note,
Dolly has been at her usual evilness again.
She tricked Nate into letting her out, then cut when she could.
Then when Sara defended against her, she cut up the inside of my thighs to scare her, and then stole Sara into her realm.
Confusing, and not pleasant.
We don't know what's going on, but both of them and Mai are still missing...

And honestly, I have no sympathy for you.

You know. If you had the strength to survive what you have, why would you then go ahead and forget all of that because 'life is hard'?
Well yes, I thought you'd have realized that.
You cannot say that my efforts are far easier than yours because I am stronger, as I'm sure I'm not.
At one point, you did all you could just to live, as did I, and now you cannot get through the day without your pills. Is that really what you dreamed the better life would be?
Honestly, I would rather have been stuck underneath a usually unwashed and mentally unstable man with parts of him inside my 5 year old self, than living through pills and cutting myself because I cannot do it enough to die.
Not that I'm telling you to die, nor do I want you to.
But when I can think enough to think of what I wanted at that age, during that time, to decide that I never wanted to do that, so why would I then do it to myself?
I live for the ideals that my younger self would want me to be, and I think that you should be too.
True, I did a few things I'd rather have not done, and still do, but I am not perfect, and I don't wish to be.
I'd rather be relate-able.
My point on this is that if at one point, you did everything, including accepting such inhumane things as letting yourself be suffocated, raped, beaten and ingesting illegal substances that you had no idea wouldn't kill you, just to avoid certain death at the hands of those same people, why then go on to kill yourself, because you have been convinced that you aren't strong enough by those same people?
That is why I have no sympathy for you when you tell me I am stronger than you because I am working, and controlling when I have my breakdowns.

Cults, systematic abuse and rape.

I'm watching a documentary that I personally associate with more than any other one I've watched.
It's called Cult Killer, and it's about a man called Rick Rodriguez, the heir to the cult 'The Children Of God.'
This cult practiced the law of 'love', and basically, what that meant was that the members of the cult could do whatever they wanted, if they could put it under the excuse of love, including rape, incest and paedophillia.

Now, why do I associate with this? I don't think I've actually mentioned much specific about what happened in my childhood too much. But it probably didn't involve a cult, that I remember. I do, however, remember that it was, at least partly, about sexual abuse, under the guise of love, and religion.
"I do this because I love you, I don't want you to go to hell. We must get the demon out of you."
 Lots of things happened. Things that shouldn't, under the guise of religion.
And that's why I associate with this documentary.
They weren't content with just controlling and breaking my mind into different pieces, no.
They weren't even content with molesting and forcing me to do things to and for them, systematically and in an indoctrinating way.
Just those parts of it, not even the actually rape really effected me as much as the after and before parts.
Those were the parts that involved reciting bible verses, or saying over and over how much of an evil, sinful whore I was, before I understood the words.

If this doesn't make much sense, I'm extremely sorry, but as you can imagine, this is insanely hard to write.

Before I was four, I think I believed that the only way to stop myself from being evil, demonic, from going to hell and receiving eternal torture, was to let them do whatever they wanted with me.
First off, the first person any of us remembers was moderately kind.
Just a delusional man who believed we were the reincarnation of someone in the bible, possessed by demons.
Yes, there was quite a lot of sexual abuse, but it wasn't malicious.
This was probably between the ages of... two and six.
Mostly, it was bible verses, indoctrination and molestation.
Yes, there was some rape and physical abuse from that person, but it wasn't meant to hurt me. It wasn't meant to be bad.
That sounds completely ridiculous. But I am a logical enough person to understand when someone is too insane, too delusional to understand their actions are wrong. And I truly believe this was the case for the first person. I honestly believe that when they said they love me, they thought they meant it.
Abuse in this part included things like having salt water or chemically enhanced 'holy water' poured over or forced into my crotch, being spread over a cross or a different shaped grave, naked, and being molested, or made to give or receive oral sex, having various things inserted into various orifices, having bugs put onto my skin, and was punished if I made any move to remove them, having needles put into my gums, crotch and chest, and being emotionally and psychologically abused into believing in different parts of myself, which would each be put under different tortures, including being set against one another.
 I don't know why they stopped. They might have died, or moved, or anything along those lines, or just not been interested in me any more.

The second was purely a paedophile, I believe. With religious excuses, of course. As far as I can figure, they knew the other person, or accidentally came across things happening to me, and wanted to be in on it.
I can't imagine they knew about it for any other reason. I can't imagine this was a publicly known thing in the church.
This person cared less about psychological tortures and separate parts, and more about rape, molestation and keeping things extremely hidden.
This was between the ages of about 3 and 9, I think.
This involved a lot of sexual abuse, probably most of it. This also, I don't believe the majority of it, was malicious. But I do think they knew it was wrong, because of the efforts to cover it up. I think they tried to be nice to us most of the time, because they imagined we enjoyed all of the attention.
Around the time for this person starting, when I had just turned 3 about two months ago, I think, Sara had tried to tell her mother, but the result of this was that she went into complete denial, and made us apologize for saying these things to the people involved, and  then she was seriously harmed by hitting her head repeatedly on a gravestone. (We went to hospital shortly after, unconscious)
A lot of the previous things were included in this time zone, plus things done by the third person that I'll mention in the next paragraph.

The third person came when I was... 4/5ish, until I was 9. I think this was the last usual person.
This person was very sadistic and malicious.
This involved things like purposely painful rape for very little reason. Things like asphyxiation for up to five minutes, being bitten very hard on my chest and crotch, having so much forced into my mouth that the corners of my lips tore, having needles stabbed into my skin, having insects that bit or stung held in a glass against my skin, having my nails torn off quite low, being mentally and emotionally tortured and broken, being treated affectionately, and then beaten and raped for doing the slightest things wrong, being made to play games, with the prize being rape, and the punishment for losing being a more painful rape,

There is some things that happened that are completely locked up in boxes, that I'll never remember. I don't want to. If those are the ones I'm allowed to know, what ones are hidden still?
There are some that others don't want to say, or haven't put forward. Some we just don't remember.

It wasn't anything to do with a cult, that I know of. But it was ritual abuse, by more than one person. And it was religiously minded for the majority of it. There was a lot of indoctrination.
They completely and utterly ruined my mind. And I don't completely hate them for it, I think that's the worst bit, for me.
If I met them today, I'd probably just walk away, because there's nothing left to say about it.
Sure, I'd want them locked up for other people's benefit. But I have no hate for them.

Cherrie and Elsa

So, I know I haven't posted in a while (And I'm very, very sorry.)
But my laptop has been broken again, and I started work (Which is great.)
Though, now I have lots to write about.

First of all, I'm working on drawings pictures for all of us, to get a more specific picture than the ones I found online, which has been distracting me from writing. Those should all be done soon, so I'll update when they are.

I'm currently ill, which is why I'm not working today, which is not nice.

I'd also like to introduce Elsa, who slightly-less-than-recently, reappeared, and Cherrie, who has now been around a few months, but I never got around to introducing her.

Elsa:

 Elsa varies between about 3 and 6, usually very rapidly, so it's hard to tell her exact age. She suffers delusions based on flashbacks, which make her unstable a lot, but is otherwise quite happy. She absolutely hates being alone, and being in silence, because both things make her delusions a lot worse. She gets very panicky when she can't contact someone or when they don't talk to her. She loves My Little Pony, and is very cuddly.

 

Cherrie:

Cherrie is 9, and is not too bad off, aside from being slightly nymphomanic, and having anger control issues. In the past, she's done some things like painting her entire body in black paint, and trying to jump off a balcony, which caused her to be locked up for quite a while. She was eventually let out earlier this year again, and has been mostly behaving herself. Part of this, I think, is due to her relationship with Celestia, though Cherrie vehemently defends the fact that she's straight. She can't control her emotions very well, and often gets in trouble because of it.




Well, there's that done.

Left early, Took my dog.

I feel terrible for just disappearing, but for one thing, I actually -was- not here. Someone I don't know called Cherry was. So, you can't blame me. I don't even know if she knew about the existence of this thing.

Anyway, I do exist. 

I'm still waiting to start my job. My CRB (A criminal back ground check) hasn't come back yet, so I'm waiting on that. 

And I got my creative streak back, yay! 

I've been working on clothing designs and such, and getting back into my violin. 

If I end up recording any of my playing, then I'll put it on here to listen to. 

Dolly is still... Not recovered from whatever happened on the horse-experience, and following an argument with the boyfriend, Lily has comatose'd. Anyway. That's my updates.

The other day, at 5:40am, I left the house, took my dog, and ended up back at the graveyard where most things happened. I stayed there for about half an hour, just sitting and laying down on places that I've been before. Unpleasantly last time, however. Just thinking. 

You can't hurt me now, because you'd be... Well. I don't actually know how old you'd be now. Because I don't know you, or anything about you, really. But you couldn't hurt me any more. Even together, I would still be able to escape now, I expect. Not that you'd want me now I'm all grown up. 

And yes, I know there's a book with the same title as this post, it's named specially.

- Kitty

Oh, also, my therapist backed down as soon as she had to present proof. Yay! 

Glorifying Childhood Rape

From Chanpai's tumblr :

To all the teenage hipsters glorifying a Lolita lifestyle (?) and referring to themselves as Lolitas
Lolita the character is not and was not sexually empowered, awesome, hip, or rad.
She was repeatedly raped by an abductor.
If you think the character is sexy or hot and you want to be like her, you don’t know how to read.
Pick up the fucking book and read it.
Lolita the book is considered a masterpiece because it is one of the earliest examples of a protagonist (not Lolita, by the way, but her rapist) being utterly unlikable and unsympathetic. It is well-written but incredibly disturbing and not for the faint of heart.
Put away the infantile clothing and the lollipops and the false eyelashes and stop calling yourself a Lolita.

*Edited to add* For the record, I’m not referring to the Japanese fashion trend. I think the choice in name is poor and the fashion itself is not something I would… you know, ever wear, but whatever. Plenty of people don’t like what I wear and to each his own. I am referring to teenage girls who call themselves Lolitas because they have their ass hanging out on Facebook.

So. I agree with this viewpoint. But I also just wanted to say that one of the nicknames people have given me is 'Lolita'. And I embrace this.
 Because that did happen to me. Dolly especially. She isn't sexually-empowered, or someone to look up to and embraced. She is a completely fucked up person. She is ruined, and broken, and a terrible person because of her experiences.

She doesn't dress like a little girl. She's a 12 year old girl that uses sex and lust to get what she wants, no matter what the cost to her safety or mental well being, because she was raped so many times that she doesn't see it as anything other than a transaction.

I'll pretend that it's sex instead of rape, so that you won't hurt me quite as badly, so I can feel like I have some control. 

Don't want to be like that. 

Lolita was a little girl in a bad situation who turned to an abuser because she was desperate for some affectionate attention because her mother was neglectful. She ended up getting repeatedly raped and abused. No one should want that. No one should be like that. 

But, some of us are. 

And when you use it to describe yourself when you're choosing to dress slutty and do slutty things because you find it fun, it takes it away as a label for abuse victims to use, because no one is able to take it seriously. 

Lolita is an abuse label, not a fashion trend. 

It isn't sexy to be an abuse victim. It isn't sexy to be raped.

There's nothing hot about being a sexualized child. 

True, my story is very different to that of Lolita, but the resonance is the same, I guess.

(Just to note, I have nothing against Lolita fashion, and indulge in it occasionally, because I love the old fashion feel of it, but the name is very unfortunate.)